At the local zoo

WARNING: This post may contain language and images not suitable for very young audiences. Rated SPG. Not recommended for people eating or profanity-sensitive individuals. Go to hell.

Millipede images will follow as soon as I borrow a USB Cable.

Don’t let the title mislead you. This ain’t about no fucking zoo. I haven’t been to a zoo since I was in Kindergarten. The closest I’ve been to something like a zoo is the Subic Tiger Safari, where one tiger hopped on top of our jeep.

I’m not talking about animals in cages or animals used for show outside of their natural habitat. I’m talking about creatures doing what they naturally do. What’s sad about this is what they do everyday is starting to get on my nerves. Since I’m too tired everyday to do something about it, I might as well rant.

1) Diplopoda

Ever since the monsoon started and ended with a bang, millipedes have begun to thrive outside our house. More specifically, they can be found feeding on any moss covered surface. So any wall, floor, ceiling, plant or slipper where a millipede can find anything edible enough, you can count on the whole clan being there. Some of them found their way into the house; which is strange, given that there is nothing even close to edible inside our house other than their distant relatives which we accidentally stepped on.

In the millipedes’ defense, they aren’t necessarily harmful. In fact, if there was someone in the house with an odd taste for decoration, these creepy crawlies would pretty much serve as free exterior design. They don’t throw their weight around, steal your food, drop their shit wherever they fancy, yell at you for no good reason or cut you in traffic. They’re just a bit unpleasant to look at. Especially when you have to stare at a hundred of them whenever you look at a wall, ceiling or a solitary rock outside. It’s creepy.

2) Felis domesticus

I’m relatively safe from the millipedes once I get to bed. They don’t hang around the ceilings or walls indoors anyway. But then there’s our supposedly domesticated house cat.

That’s him when he was still a kitten, cute and (seemingly) innocent. Now he’s a full grown male. He’s still cute, but definitely not innocent. Just like any other stereotypical male of any species here on this planet, he’s hollering for a humping. It just so happens that it’s that time of the year for them.

Male cats have a distinct mating call. It sounds like a pig; when you insert a huge durian fruit into its asshole, that is. Do that over and over again for one whole night and you have feline mating season.

It doesn’t matter what gender of cat you have. If you have a male cat, it’s going to start doing its infernal mating call the moment he feels like slapping the buck; not when he sees a smoking hot pussy cat. If your cat is female, the males will do the honors of picking your cat up for a night of fighting over her. Which is twice as worse, because not only will you hear multiple males bellowing at the top of their lungs; you will also have to endure the night being forced to listen to male cats threatening each other but never really get into clawing each other’s eyes out. The only thing you’ll be hearing is a chorus of loud meowing but no hissing. Damn cats are all talk, no walk; kind of like a portion of the human race and the Philippine government.

Stupid mating season. When humans have mating season, they don’t bother other animals. Dogs just hop on another bitch (female dog) when they feel like it. Cats are insensitive pricks. Why hasn’t evolution taught them how to masturbate yet?

This same cat is also the nightly food burglar. We make it a point to keep any sort of food in the refrigerator or covered somehow; anything to keep him and his apprentice — our other cat — from stealing from us. Unfortunately, he seems to have opted to enroll into an Institute of Food Robbery instead of learning how to masturbate. We “upgraded” our Bread Box because the cat learned how to open previous bread box by dropping it on the floor.

When we do manage to keep food stored in the right places, the cats proceed to wolf down on our trash can. It’s not uncommon for us to wake up in the morning and catch the rubbish bin passed out on the floor beside a small amount of vomit (the garbage) after a night of being gang raped by cats.

I don’t know why we keep them. They’re all sorts of annoying at night, but they’re a pair of cool cats during the day. The two of them will either sleep or rub themselves on you all day. It’s during their nocturnal cycle that they become obnoxious pieces of shit. I’m guessing that’s the only reason we keep them. They’re cute. Fuck me, right?

3) Canis lupus familiaris

The good thing about having a male house cat for a pet is that they’re all chauvinist pigs who go around impregnating other female cats and proceeding to leave them to fend for themselves and their future offspring. The same goes for male dogs. That may not be a good thing for moral extremists, but as a pet owner, it’s definitely better. But having female pets, on the other hand, can be a chore.

Our little lady, Lola, just gave birth to her first litter. I’m not sure how the father, our male pet dog (who according to my uncle, is somehow related to Lola) managed to make babies without having DNA mishaps, but now there are 5 little puppies walking around our yard and porch, playing with each other. One of them is black with white feet. It’s like he’s wearing socks. It’s cute, when I say it like that.

They’re also shitting and vomiting all over the place. And they’ve grown enough to have teeth, and their mother doesn’t like how they bite her tits. To top it all off, we found ascaris worms in the yard, possibly from one of the dogs or their young. That’s the last straw. Me and my aunt still haven’t found the time for a long-term solution for the worms so we just pour alcohol (70% solution) on each worm we find and set them on fire. I feel like a sadist when we do this, because I enjoy burning those disgusting little motherfuckers.

The yard looks wonderful. There’s a feline pay-per-view at night on the roof, there’s puppy droppings and parasitic worms all over the place. Then the whole millipede family tree is right there to clean up the mess. Nature in harmony. Amazing, but disgusting.

It’s not all bad. My grandfather put up his “PUPPIES FOR FREE” sign on the gate for the nth time. People bite the bait, too. Askals have stomachs of steel. They’ll eat anything no matter how disgusting and act and move like nothing happened. You feed a breed dog nicely cooked rice and there’s a good chance it’ll just flip itself over and die. No offense to breed dog owners.

Go Askals!

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